Disclaimer- I will be talking about miscarriage in this post. If you are triggered by this please read my other posts and skip this one. Also my heart goes out to you. We are forced to go on with this experience but it helps to know you are never alone. If you are affected by a miscarriage please contact your Doctor or Midwife for assistance both for physical and mental treatment if necessary.

I have been admittedly nonchalant since week 7 of my pregnancy. There was still a happily growing lil baby in my womb from that point onwards and now I am in the actual presence of what I believe is the purest soul in the world- my baby.

I feel like I didn’t grieve properly for the lil one that didn’t make it. The lil one that was baby L’s twin.

I still remember the ordeal like it was yesterday… At work, about to go into a meeting with senior management and suddenly experiencing the worst cramping of my life. It felt like I was having approximately 503859 periods at one time. Running to the bathroom to see the worst site imaginable so early in pregnancy.

I wasn’t expecting there to be any good news at my ultrasound that week, but there was. There were two egg sacks; only one was emptied very recently and the other had a flutter of a heart beat.

I was undeniably relieved that I was still carrying one but until now I never really gave it that much thought that I lost the other.

I think it was shock that I was still pregnant, or that I couldn’t allow myself to grieve… But I didn’t react to the news. I couldn’t.

Now that I have had baby L and she is quite literally the light of my life, I have begun to think about the other. I fear that little baby L is missing out on sharing her life and childhood experiences with her twin.

It’s the hardest thing to never really know what would have happened if lil baby number 2 was still here. What would he or she have been like? Would they have been identical, fraternal? Would I have managed to cater to twins? Would baby L have more fun with her twin?

And it got me to thinking. There are a lot of “What if’s” when it comes to miscarriages. I think it’s the feeling of non-closure that gets to people the most because although we are given the knowledge that the baby is no longer with us, we never even got to meet him or her.

It brings about that sense of incompleteness… like an extremely awful version of thinking of a familiar melody but not knowing where it came from. But a miscarriage is obviously much worse than that.

Also it brings with it the guilt that can surpass other emotions. “What if I did something that caused this?” Again, you may never find out.

Non closure.

I truly don’t think that the “What ifs” ever go away but I do think that time heals most things. I am very lucky in that I still get to experience my happiest days with my gorgeous and most loveable baby, Lonje. I am so blessed and I know it. But a lot of families are not so lucky and for that I want to extend my arms.

We can heal together and over time. We are never alone in this world and it is very important to remember this.

If you ever need to talk about your experiences I would advise seeking out counselling, family, friends, other half, doctors or midwives. I am also open for a chat if you need it.

Everyone’s got you.